Ready... set... OMFGWE'REALLGOINGTODIE!

I took an excursion over to my default home page to check a little something called "my personal e-mail." You might have heard of e-mail. It's a highly guarded government secret, but hopefully the masses will flock to my blog and learn all about it.
Oh hahahahahaha, see, sometimes I forget that part about no one giving a shit.
Anyway, they have the "most popular searches" function in their so-called search engine. In the world of search engines, this one finds about as much as you would if you asked a question to your cat, then began beating your head on a table until you were just barely conscious and mistook the sound of the dryer for your cat answering you. Nonetheless, the most popular search today was for Ready.gov. This is the spectacular government run website that you go to in order to find out what items are absolutely necessary, should we be attacked by terrorists. Or, as George W. Bush would say, "terr'iss." Also, keep in mind that these suggestions are coming from the same government that brought you "DUCK AND COVER" during the Cuban Missile Crisis.
The list is as follows, complete with overall unnecessary commentary.
1. Water, one gallon of water per person per day for at least three days, for drinking and sanitation (In other words, das Mutterland has been kind enough to provide us with three days to get on God's right side after the world fucking ends.)
2. Food, at least a three-day supply of non-perishable food (drei Tage! Three days! No more, assholes!)
3. Battery-powered or hand crank radio and a NOAA Weather Radio with tone alert and extra batteries for both (Expect mostly cloudy skies with a bit of precipitation. Heh, precipitation. Good one, eh, Dianne? Don't be such a bitch about this, Dianne. We've got three days left on Earth and you'll give in eventually. They all give in. And now to Jerry with sports!)
4. Flashlight and extra batteries (Make sure it's a mag lite. If you're not dead within three days, you can beat yourself to death in the name of... freedom fries?)
5. First aid kit (Make sure you get the kind with all those completely-unnecessary-to-every-day-life things like finger cots.)
6. Whistle to signal for help (If you would prefer, try a megaphone, which you can use to keep any other neighborhood survivors up to date with the color coded terror alerts. "IT'S RED. WE'RE STILL DOUBLE FUCKED WITH SIDE OF MUSTARD GAS.")
7. Dust mask, to help filter contaminated air and plastic sheeting and duct tape to shelter-in-place (Need I say more?
8. Moist towelettes, garbage bags and plastic ties for personal sanitation (And all along we thought that moist towelette were only good for after we've consumed mass quantities of BBQ, or have simply walked into a KFC and need to cleanse ourselves of the thoughts of Bea Arthur. They're a crucial to surviving your three days!)
9. Wrench or pliers to turn off utilities (Because it's altogether probable that after the country has been brutally raped in the asshole by a nuclear warhead, we'll still have power.)
10. Can opener for food (if kit contains canned food) (But if that kit does not contain canned food, you had better not even PLAN on taking a can opener! If der Führer gets wind of you having one without cause, you will be stripped and searched for other weapons of mass destruction faster than you can say "Don't cry for me, Argentina)
11. Local maps (And if you decide to be a real militant asshole about the whole thing and not accept those VERY GENEROUS three days of life given to you by das Mutterland, you can secure your compund with the aforementioned duct tape, turn the dial to rocket power, hand over the map to the flight crew, and enjoy your trip to outer space. 'Cause if ya'll don' like wut tha gov'ment is givin' ya, ya'll need to git out!